Truths, Damned Lies and Statistics - that yellow bastard

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October 8th, 2003

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2003.1008.1808::Truths, Damned Lies and Statistics
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  • I once killed a kitten with one hand (literally, not just in the metaphorical sense).

    Unfortunately, this is true. About two years ago, I had been feeling very under the weather (sore throat, head cold, slight nausea) for a couple of days, so I decided to go to the doctor's office to get checked out. When I got into my car to drive out there, I turned the key in the ignition, and then heard a horrible screeching. I quickly turned off the engine and popped the hood to find, heartbreakingly, a diminutive kitten in the engine block in the far front of the passenger side.

    When I went into my place to get a box so I could take it to the vet, it somehow managed to wriggle its way out of my car, and I found it on the ground towards the inside of the tire. When I mistakenly tried to grab it by the scruff of the neck so I could put it in the box, it turned its head around and bit my palm. I called a bunch of people (including batnandu who came over to help out) looking for a vet--there happen to be two vets who live in my complex--but no one had anything really helpful to offer other than take it to Petsmart.

    Someone else suggested I call Animal Control, which I was a bit hesitant to do--most of the people I spoke to, however, suggested that Animal Control should be able to take care of the rabies testing, because it had bitten me.

    batnandu said to me, fully cognizant of my severe cat allergy, "You know, if this cat survives, you're morally obligated to adopt it."

    "Yes, I know." I even made the naive mistake of naming it Trouble.

    Unbeknownst to both me and Nandu, rabies testing requires euthanization. :_(

    Following Animal Control's arrival, I continued on to the doctor's office for my headcold, as well as to the hospital the next day, where, as a safeguard, I received seven injections to start the rabies vaccinations.

    That was probably the worst weekend of my entire life.

  • I called Mark Campbell, former defensive lineman for the Denver Broncos, an "idiot" to his face.

    True. Mark Campbell and I shared homeroom in high school, before he would attend University of Florida, make his name as an outstanding collegiate defensive lineman, and go on to become a third-round NFL draft pick for the Broncos. I would bump into him numerous times in Gainesville, as well as on Bourbon Street following the 1995 Sugar Bowl (the one where we lost to FSU). He'd always say hi and we were always amiable.

    Back in high school one morning, however, he rushed into homeroom as the bell was ringing, and jostled my desk situated right next to the door. A stack of five CD jewel cases fell and shattered on the linoleum floor, and I exclaimed, "You IDIOT!"

    I think I'm quite lucky Mark didn't brain me that day.

  • I have participated in a threesome, unlike anniesj, who, despite being banned by the Catholic Church, has not participated.

    True. My horoscope that week even serendipitously stated:
    Dear Teeth-Shaking, Glass-Breaking, Rump-Roasting Bun-Toasting Flash of Liquid Lightning: I dreamed you finally revealed your secret identity after all these years--you know, about how you came from the planet Lovemania in order to teach all earthlings how to feel horny for clouds, trees, tigers, and even the ocean itself! Is my dream true? Please say it is! Tell me you're really ready to drop your overly respectable pose so that you may spread erotic healing throughout the land! Dare to become the sublimely lustful worshiper of beauty and truth you were born to be!
    I suppose I've become somewhat taken with Rob Brezsny's Free Will Astrology since then.

  • I have committed adultery.

    True. Strictly speaking, Merriam-Webster defines adultery as sexual intercourse between a married person and someone who is not their legal spouse. As the latter, katemonkey, I am guilty of adultery. It does take two to tango. Or maybe three...

    One of the participants of the aforementioned threesome was a married woman. She was in the midst of a divorce, tending to prefer the beds of other women.

    Other than that, never otherwise (no matter what some people would like to think). Since then, I've made it a rule not to get involved with people who are involved. There's too much drama and heartbreak--that way lies madness and sweaty palms.

    Which leaves us with...

  • I went to high school with Skylar Ulrich, wife of Lars Ulrich, former girlfriend of Matt Damon, and the basis of Minnie Driver's character in Good Will Hunting.

    This is false, of course, although the future Mrs. Napster-hater did attend Ransom Everglades Private School in Miami. I, however, attended a high school probably a good forty-five minute drive away from that school. Aside from the attending high school with her thing, everything else in that statement is true--I would hear about Skylar's story from one of her actual classmates.

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