How to solve the ailing box office problem - that yellow bastard

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June 17th, 2005

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2005.0617.1631::How to solve the ailing box office problem
[ ]
A recent Slashdot story offers:
A poll conducted by Ipsos on behalf of the Associated Press and AOL confirmed that 73% of movie viewers prefer to watch movies at home rather than at a theater. This article comes on the heels of a consistently poor box office this year, even despite the presence of the new Star Wars film. Despite this demand for home viewing, only 5% admitted to downloading a movie from the internet.

In light of these not-so-startling statistics, I'd like to give the movie industry some advice:
  1. Stop letting Humbert Humbert Tom Cruise have women who are some 11.5 years younger than his previous wife. Katie Holmes will devastated after their inevitable divorce and his shacking up with some girl born between 1989-1990, and she won't have the benefit of drugs or psychiatry to ease the pain of her broken, broken heart. Let's stop the bleeding beforehand.
  2. Quit charging me three dollars for a pack of M&Ms. M&Ms are not three dollars. They're one dollar. If I go to Costco, I can buy a freaking case for the amount that you want to charge me for all of my concessions.
  3. Take Brett Ratner off of X-Men 3.
  4. The only ads I want to see in a movie theater are ads for new movies that haven't come out yet.
  5. Quit giving Uwe Boll jobs, and quit throwing millions of marketing dollars at the poo he keeps flinging.
  6. This is something you should have learned in high school: Demand is down. Either lower supply or lower prices. Since nothing will make you lower supply (see #5), this means that no one thinks it's worth 8+ dollars to sit in a movie theater, eat four dollar Sour Patch Kids, and try to ignore jackasses who don't turn off their cellphones.
  7. People got tired of the long epic movie with computer-generated battles when they had to pee their pants in the middle of Return of the King. You might want to save your money.
  8. Hire Joss Whedon more.

4 comments | Leave a comment )


kellinator::2005.06.17.08:44 pm
[User Picture]Dude, you rock.
thepeopleseason::2005.06.18.05:54 am
[User Picture]No, actually your icon does :)
ludditerobot::2005.06.17.08:44 pm
[User Picture]I've seen pictures and I'm already afraid. After Katie Holmes? Dakota Fanning.

capn_ken::2005.06.20.02:22 pm::What's a "theater"?
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